The internet service is compatible with most Wi-Fi devices such as laptops, smart phones and tablets . There are three different G-Connect In-Flight Wi-Fi packages. One-Way Access is priced at R50 per single sector flight. A one day at R90 and lastly, a per minute rate at R1 a minute. All three packages offer unlimited data use during the allotted time.

The service is currently not available on all Mango flights, but it is said that by the end of June 2012 80% of the fleet will be connected.

So with all this time off I’ve been thinking of new and innovative ways of making money. At a meeting this week I was talking about The Wild (MNet) and how it would do extremely well on UK television. The only representation we have of Africa on our TV screens in Merry Old England is a programme called Wild at Heart (ITV). This programme is, in no uncertain terms…erm…how to put this politely…erm…shit.

I was surprised that the other people at said meeting seemed to think that although we Lords and Ladies enjoy watching Giraffes and Lions trying to get screen time on our teleboxes, South African viewers aren’t that bothered about seeing wildlife. Is this true? I suppose when you have it in your back yard, you don’t need to watch it on the TV.

So how about this for a business venture? Something to give visitors to this fair city a true Jozi experience.

Urban Tours. It’s the future. I’ll be your guide and impart the wisdom I have thoroughly researched over the months that I have been here. I want to give people the best opportunity to see the Urban Big Five.

The most precious of the five can be identified by their excellent plumage and grooming techniques. The Sandton Cougal is found where it is warm and comfortable. At the hairdressers. Their call is shrill and nasal. Beware of their long sharp talons, painted to match their handbag.

If you become aware of the pungent scent of money then it is likely that you will be about to see the most exotic of the five. The purring Ferrari of the BEE Businessman can be coaxed out of his plush lair with crates of expensive whiskey and with use of the magic words – GOVERNMENT TENDER.

The elusive Proper Oke is only to be seen between the hours of cricket and soccer. Focused and blind sighted, he can not be coaxed away from sport – unless somebody needs help lighting a brai.

The fourth species to keep an eye out for is staunch and non-moving. Afrikanaas Pretorius lives on cured sausage. He hunts in socks and sandals, whatever the weather. His weakness is Khaki.

Dangerous, unpredictable and fast, the fifth species lives by its own rules. It must be watched at all times and is likely to make sudden and irrational moves. Beware the Black Taxi Driver.

I think it’s got legs. We can employ Metro Cops to be the Rangers and everyone gets a feather duster from the guy at the traffic lights at the end of the trip. I’m going to Trademark it straight away…argh crap, I can’t. It’s a public holiday and everything’s closed.

Take part in the Turbovite Jump City Urban Challenge on 20 May to become the ultimate urban athlete. 10km of obstacles, the city, its greatest landmarks and you. Entries limited to 1000 pre entry only. The city awaits.

One thing is for sure this will be an adventure like the city has never seen. We have taken great joy in turning the city into the ultimate playground all for your enjoyment. You will run, crawl, climb and jump as you make your way through the urban obstacle course.

Starting and finishing in Mary Fitzgerald Square, Newtown.
20 May 2012 (entries close May 2012)
Enter as a team or as an individual
Strictly limited to first 1000

Click HERE for more info on the Turbovite Jump City Urban Challenge…

But recently I chickened out and registered for the prepaid electronic tolling option. Last time I heard there were just over 300000 people who have registered. When I went last week Tuesday to get my E-Tag, I had to wait for about 45 minutes in a queue bearing in mind that their registration station has been empty until now.

The reason why I registered now is because of the warning of E-Tag holders being charged 6 times more than the rate if you hold an E-Tag. Although people are kicking up a storm about the toll on the Gauteng highways and there are court cases on the go, I believe that we are going to be tolled no matter what. Now I do not want to sit with a situation a year down the line, where I need to renew my car license and they will not issue me with a renewal as I have R10000 worth of toll fees outstanding. And that is exactly what is going to happen to people who do not register.

All of my colleagues and friends are cursing me for registering and I am sure you are too. But I just feel it is the tolling is going to go ahead and I am just saving myself future issues.

The tolling is due to start on 25 April 2012. Only +/- 300000 have registered… I would hate to see the queue at the registration station now in the last few days leading up to the go live day.

Feel free to leave your thoughts below…

Nando's the popular chicken fast food outlet is famously known for their advertising. They have often had ad's banned by the BCCSA. Recently they produced an ad that ripped off  a Santam that brought out. They made their ad with the same look and feel but boasted their own products. 

Santam then very cleverly released a clever come back ad where they challenged Nando's to supply a children's home with various meals by this Thursday 26 April 2012 at 4pm. Let's see what Nando's come back will be...

Same say that this was a planned marketing campaign right from the word go... I don't know so much... But either way it is brilliant advertising for both brands.

Well done Nando's and Santam! I wish more South African advertising would come up with exciting campaigns that will be remembered by consumers for a long time!

I have added the three ad's below... View them and leave your opinions at the bottom of this post.

Original Santam Ad

The Nando's Ad

The Santam Come Back (Challenge)

"The 32mm Large Lipped paperclip is far superior to its thinner lipped cousin. It maintains fifty-two percent more grabbage based on the average A4 80gsm page. I know this because it’s my job to know this. If I didn’t know this I’d be ordering any old kind of paperclip, grabbage would not be achieved, pages would fall and chaos would ensue. It’s important.

I have been trialing the Silver Sheen 32mm Large Lipped paperclip to add a little variety to the office. If successful it will replace the Silver Mat 32mm Large Lipped model that I have been using. It could go either way. The excitement of two titans of page grabbage going head to head is truly electric. Who will win? I’ll let the public decide. After all it is they that will benefit, it’s them on the front line, it’s them that need the grabbage.

I send out an allstaffer with a brief survey to complete in order to ascertain thoughts and opinions on the two rivals. My breath is truly baited.

That is all..."

Being a writer (of sorts) I only ever write from experience. Situations I’ve been in. Things I’ve heard. People I’ve met. I always find these are the best research for scripts and stories. Give me a few more months in Jozi and I’ll be writing ‘til I’m 108!

As you may know from last weeks column, my little Mini JCW needed some attention. So in she went for some TLC. Cue hilarious man at BMW with his tales of thwarting a corrupt traffic cop and getting her fired. Flying all over the world for thirty years as a pilot but only ever seeing hotels. Smacking a burglar into his pool with a cricket bat. It’s not just the stories themselves it’s how they’re told. These were from behind a thick moustache, quite a deadpan delivery with a strong Afrikaans accent. I wanted to listen to him all day!

Then there’s the woman getting the gossip from the clerks at a petrol station. Upon hearing my accent, she interrogated me as to why I was there (errr getting petrol). After asking me if I missed Guinness, she then insisted that I join in with the conversation, to get the lowdown on the area. Turns out she was the ANC PR Councillor for that ward. Apparently a difficult job in Hyde Park.

The parking attendant whom after I gave him R5 and thanked him for keeping an eye on my car, asked me if I was French. On four separate occasions! I haven’t taken offence. Yet.

How can I forget the “socialite” who spent most of the speech at her birthday party at a swanky hotel denying that her shoes were fake? She’d even called the head office in Paris to check.

A man with a handful of R100 notes in a bottle store that then asked me for spare change outside. He was ever so polite.

The feather duster traffic light guys. The militant car washers. The man in Hyde Park mall with the hair. The guy from Masterchef with the nom-nom or vom-vom expression. Fat Metro Cops. Home Affairs. They’re all characters. The last two with a capital “C”.

How many conversations have you had about annoying bank tellers, rude shop assistants that have had you in fits of laughter? This is the thing to remember. No matter how annoying, how frustrating and how angry people make you, meeting them forms part of our life experience. And I will rest my case by saying that characters, weirdoes, freaks…people of interest, should be celebrated even if they are best appreciated after the fact. After all, who’s to say that you aren’t one of those people?

Lusito Land 2012 will be as adventurous as always, offering an exciting flea market, tons of take- away food stalls, the all- popular beer tent, theme park rides and of course the focal attraction, the entertainment stage. Check out the live South African act line up here that will run throughout the Lusito Land Festival.

If you are planning on heading down to Lusito Land and want to make a day/ night of it, we suggest you do so with Mapungubwe Hotels. This city slick hotel is hosting an exciting online Lusito Land competition with one awesome prize. Check out the Lusito Land competition here.

One thing is for sure, if you enjoy Portuguese inspired foods, we recommend you get to Lusito Land and enjoy the charismatic energy that the annual festival offers.

Greek Easter Sunday I attended the Germiston Greek Church lunch. There was so much meat. It was like an Atkins diet orgy. The true Silence of the Lambs. Each table had half a lamb and two whole chickens. Thankfully they were dead and cooked; otherwise it would have been awkward. The lamb and I wouldn’t have had much in common; I’m not much of a Gambler! (Look up the definition of a lamb gambling if confused).

Chocolate and bad (very bad)animal related jokes aside, last week ended up being a bit of a disaster. Something went wrong with my beloved Mini JCW. My mobile (I believe you call it a cell) went dead and I had to push little ‘Adler’ up Jan Smuts. It took me a good two hours to get home. Half an hour to push it into the parking and then the rest of the time trying to three point turn it into the space. It was an eerily quiet evening but nothing like a midnight stroll with your best girl to do some thinking, even if she does weigh close to 1800kgs.

Continuing my look at your ‘isms’ I’ve been doing a bit of time travel or rather looking at the SA concept of time. A few phrases that have been explained to me now make sense. ‘Just now’ meaning I am coming or something will happen within fifteen to twenty minutes. ‘Now, Now’ meaning I am coming or something will happen with five to ten minutes. And of course ‘Now’ meaning…well…now – I don’t need that explain to me, I’m not completely ‘dof’.

And how about these? ‘Your application will be processed between twenty-one and ninety days’ which really means, after a hundred days we will inform you that we lost your application ninety days ago. ‘Your application is being processed’ meaning your application is (not) being processed until I have returned from this public holiday. ‘Please call our customer help line’ which turns out to mean, dial this number and prepare to wait for a lonnnnnngggggg time!

I miss performing comedy. In the UK I was part of two really good (yes I would say that!) sketch double acts. I’ve been thinking about dipping my toe into the comedy metaphor…sorry water, here in Jozi. Whilst (still) unpacking and shuffling files around, I came across scripts, sketches, characters and it reignited something in my creative psyche. Could I be ready to once again to go before the bemused faces of a comedy audience? Should I dust off my wigs and homemade goatee beard? It’s definitely an itch that needs scratching…either that or some cream.

I have included a brief piece below that gives the happenings of the fateful Titanic cruise.  

The Titanic   

At 2:45 am on April 15 1912, 5 days after its departure from Liverpool, England, the Titanic struck a large iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean. The Titanic was on route to New York, USA.   

The Titantic was 274 meters long, and weighed about 47,5 tons. The ship, made mostly of metal, was thought to be unsinkable. Then the impossible happened! In the late hours of April 14, the Titanic collided with a large Iceberg. It skidded along the side of the Titanic, making many small slices in the side of the ship. Upon hitting the iceberg, the Titanic's flood compartments, made for just such an occasion, began to fill with water. The titanic could have stayed afloat if only 4 of the compartments were flooded, but the water quickly filled 6, making the bow sink slowly into the -2 degree water.

It is said that passengers were playing soccer with the chunks of ice, unaware of the danger posed to them. When the danger became apparent, 3rd class passengers were locked down into their 3rd class area, unable to escape to the safety of a lifeboat.

Those who boarded the first of the 20 lifeboats were not at all crowded. They simply left with 12 to 20 people on a lifeboat designed to hold 65. Meanwhile, those in 3rd class were still trying to escape to the main deck.

A “woman and children first” was policy was adopted, some desperate men actually dressed as women so they would be allowed to enter a lifeboat. There are undisclosed rumours, still, to this day, that say the Titanic's crew shot passengers who wanted a lifeboat. This is where the Titanic's journey ends. She soon went down "head-first" into the icy depths, snapped in two, leaving her hull bobbing, then the hull sunk.

The Titanic was carrying 2223 passengers on board when it sank, and out of those 1517 died. The survivors recall that there were so many bodies in the water, they could hardly row through the bodies.

Map of where the Titanic sank